


The Near And The Dear Ones

by eternaleponine



Series: Love Makes A Family [11]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe - Foster Family, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas, Christmas Eve, F/F, Foster Care, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21955564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternaleponine/pseuds/eternaleponine
Summary: It's been a year since Clarke and Lexa first met, and a lot has changed since then.  As Christmas approaches, they figure out what traditions - old and new - are important to their family.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Series: Love Makes A Family [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/763509
Comments: 32
Kudos: 203





	The Near And The Dear Ones

"So Clarke," Aden said one day as they cleaned up from dinner. "I guess Santa's going to be down an elf this year?"

Clarke's head snapped up from where she'd been trying to find the right size container for the leftovers, looking first at Aden, then at Lexa. "You told him about that?" she asked, her tone trying for accusatory but mostly just amused. 

"It was one of the _first_ things I told him," Lexa replied, grinning. "The first day we met."

Clarke snorted and straightened up, the container she'd been searching for in hand. "Great first impression that must have been," she said. 

"It worked on me," Lexa pointed out, sidling over with dish towel still in hand to steal a kiss. 

It was interrupted by Madi stomping her foot and shoving her white board between them. On it was drawn a quick sketch of an elf and a giant question mark. The message was clear: What the heck are you all talking about?! 

"Can you use your words, Madi?" Clarke asked. Since the ill-fated hiking trip, they had a better idea of why Madi had lost her voice and the trauma she needed to work through to regain it, and they'd stepped up her sessions with her therapist to help her get there. And part of that was pushing her to speak even when she might not want to. 

Madi scowled and started to stomp off, but Lexa caught her, crouching down. "It's okay, Madi," she said gently. "I know it's hard, but you're strong. I know you can do it." 

Madi stuck out her lip, but Lexa wasn't going to give in to a pout. When it became clear it wasn't going to work, Madi stuck out her lip further, then heaved a sigh. She opened her mouth, then closed it again, tears welling up in her eyes as she swiped her hand across her board, obliterating the drawing. She threw it down and ran out of the room. 

Clarke started to follow, but Lexa caught her arm and shook her head gently. "Just give her a little time," she said, because that's what Madi's therapist had told them to do when she got frustrated like this. Time and space, but not too much. Usually they gave her ten minutes to work through whatever she needed to work through in her self-imposed time out before checking on her.

"Sorry," Aden mumbled. "I didn't—"

"There's nothing to be sorry for," Lexa told him, for what felt like the millionth time. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"I know, but..." Aden shrugged, looking toward the stairs that Madi had stormed up. He had also been having extra sessions with his counselor since learning about his sister's history, because he needed a safe space to process not just her trauma, but his own. Contrary to what popular culture would have people believe about boys, he seemed to suffer from almost an excess of empathy, taking on her troubles as his own and beating himself up when there was nothing he could do to fix them. 

"I know," Lexa said. "It's going to take time."

"I don't want it to," Aden said. "It's not fair that she has all that locked up inside her."

"It's not," Lexa agreed. "It's not fair that any of us have the stories we have, the scars we have. But we do, and there's no way to erase them. We just have to learn to live with them... or in spite of them," she added, thinking of Luna and all that had been taken from her and the scars that could so easily be torn back into open wounds. "Sometimes living well is the best revenge."

"I guess," Aden said. "I just want her to be happy."

"I think she is," Clarke said. "Most of the time. Just like you're happy most of the time. Just sometimes you have a bad day, or you remember something that turns a good day into a bad one." She smiled at him a little crookedly. "As much as I love Christmas, it's also a hard time for me, because it was my dad's favorite holiday. So I'll see something or hear something or smell something and it will bring back memories of him, and they're good memories... but then I'll remember that there will never been more of them, and it's hard." 

Lexa slipped an arm around her, and Clarke leaned into her shoulder, leaning in to accept the comfort even as she remained steady on her own two feet. Lexa wanted to say something about making new memories, but stopped herself, because it wouldn't actually make Clarke – or any of them – feel better. Whatever memories they made as a family, she knew Clarke would wish her father could be part of them. Just like she wished her mother could be part of them. It wasn't fair that they would never get the chance to meet their grandchildren. 

Aden nodded, and they held out their arms to him to draw him into the hug, giving him as long as he needed. He finally pulled away, wiping at his eyes. "I have to finish the dishes," he mumbled, and went back to the sink. 

Lexa rubbed Clarke's back, catching her eye and silently asking if she was okay. Clarke nodded, but her smile was obviously forced. Lexa didn't press, because it wouldn't help, but she vowed to make sure Clarke got some extra TLC that night. 

"I should—" Clarke said, her eyes flicking toward the stairs, and it was like watching someone don a suit of emotional armor. 

"I've got it," Lexa said. Clarke had to fight these battles all day, every day. She needed – and deserved – a break. "You figure out a G-rated version of the elf story to tell her." 

Clarke snorted. "It's not _that_ hard," she said. 

"That's what she said," Lexa countered, and Clarke shot her a look, her gaze flicking to Aden, who either hadn't heard or was studiously ignoring them as he scrubbed the dishes that didn't fit in the dishwasher. 

"Just go," Clarke said, swatting at her, and Lexa went.

Madi was in her room, curled up in the corner of her bed with her knees drawn up and her arms crossed over them. Lexa tapped on the door, even though it was open a crack, and waited to see if she would respond. After a few seconds of silence, she announced she was coming in, and nudged the door open further. She was relieved to see that Madi's tantrum hadn't turned her into a tornado. If anything had been thrown around or destroyed, she'd already hidden the evidence. 

Lexa set down her white board, which she'd picked up from the kitchen floor, and a marker in easy reach. "You want to talk about it?" she asked. 

Madi shook her head, shoving the board away. 

"Okay," Lexa said. "Do you need more time to yourself?"

Madi hesitated, then shook her head again. 

"Do you want me to sit here with you for a little while?" 

Slowly, Madi nodded. Lexa sat down on the bed, close but not too close, and was surprised when Madi almost immediately scooted over, all of her bony angles digging into Lexa. Lexa put her arms around her because there was nowhere else to put them, and Madi cuddled into her, practically crawling into her lap. 

"Tough day?" Lexa asked, stroking her hair and tucking back a stray curl that had escaped her braids. 

Madi nodded, sniffing. 

"I'm sorry to hear that," Lexa said. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Madi glanced at her, then reached for her board and picked it up, drawing the picture of the elf again and giving Lexa a hopeful look. 

A huff of a laugh escaped before Lexa could stop it. "Nice try, kiddo," she said. "But Clarke already asked you to use your words if you want that story." 

Madi squirmed, looking like she wanted to throw the little board again, but she held on to it with a white-knuckled grip, frustration written in every line of her face and body. She rubbed out the elf picture and started to draw again, and Lexa watched, her cheek resting against the little girl's hair. 

When Madi finally turned the board toward her, it was the little girl from the woods again, her belly filled with speech bubbles with little squiggles that Lexa thought were supposed to be words, and then there was a big speech bubble coming from the girl's mouth, with lines drawn in it like un-filled-in blanks. Her expression was mad – slanted eyebrows and a giant frown – but a big tear slid from one eye, too. 

"You want to talk," Lexa said. "All of the words are inside you, and they want to come out, but they won't come out. And that's very frustrating. It makes you mad and sad." She looked at Madi to see how much – if anything – she'd gotten right.

Madi nodded, her chin trembling, and climbed fully into Lexa's lap, clinging to her like a much younger child might. Lexa rubbed her back as the tears spilled over, and even her sobs were mostly silent. What must it be like, to have so much to say and no way to say it? Or to have a way to say it, but something in your head, or your heart, or wherever the disconnect was happening, kept it from coming out? Drawing only got her so far, and it was dependent on someone being able to guess what she was trying to convey... and having the patience to do so in the first place. They'd tried teaching her some basic sign language, but it would take far more signs than any of them knew to convey everything inside of her, so she mostly ended up frustrated, throwing up her hands in defeat the minute she ran up against a concept she had no sign for. 

Lexa held her and rocked her, rubbing her back in slow circles, wishing she had the key to unlock Madi's words and knowing it wasn't – would never be – that easy. When Madi finally went still and quiet, she handed her a tissue to dry her eyes and blow her nose, and pressed a kiss to her head. "What about one word?" she asked. "Do you think you could say just one word?"

Madi picked up her marker and drew a question mark in the corner of the board. 

"You want to know about Clarke being an elf, right?" 

Madi nodded. 

"So can you just say 'elf'?"

Madi shook her head. 

"Are you sure?" Lexa asked. "Why don't we try just breathing first?" She drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly and waited for Madi to do the same. After a few deep breaths, she started to hum, and Madi pressed a hand to her chest, feeling the vibrations. After a moment, she managed to do the same. 

"That's good," Lexa encouraged her. "That's great, Madi. What about an 'ehhh' sound? Ehhhhhh..."

Madi shook her head, tears beading in her lashes again, but Lexa wasn't ready to give up, and she wasn't going to let Madi give up either. 

"It's okay, Madi," she said. "You can do it. I know you can, because it's in my name, and I know you can say that. Leeeeeeeexa."

Madi sucked back her tears. "Leeeeeexa," she echoed. 

"See?" Lexa said. "I knew you could do it. Now try 'Ehhhhhhhlf.'"

"Ehhhhhhhlf," Madi finally managed, and bounced with excitement at having freed the word from its prison. "Elf!" 

"Elf," Lexa agreed, blinking back her own tears now. She pulled Madi into a tight hug. "You think you can ask Clarke?"

Madi nodded, her arms twining tightly around Lexa's neck as she slid off the bed. She refused to let go for Lexa to set her down, so Lexa just carried her down the stairs to the living room, where Clarke and Aden had retreated after finishing in the kitchen. Madi squirmed out of Lexa's arms and rushed over to Clarke. "Clarke!" she said. "Elf!"

Clarke scooped her up and hugged her tight, beaming. "That's right!" she said. "Clarke Elf. Elf Clarke." 

Madi's face creased into a frown, and she took a deep breath. She opened her mouth, but all that came out was air. Lexa sat down next to them on the couch and took Madi's hands, which had balled into fists and smoothed them out, pressing them between her own. "It's okay," she told her. 

Madi took another breath, gripping Lexa's fingers hard. "Tellme," she said, the words blurring together as she finally managed to squeeze them past whatever kept them dammed in her throat. "Tell me about Clarke Elf."

It was more words than she'd ever said at once, and now Clarke was the one who was speechless. She hugged Madi again, her face hidden against her hair. When she finally looked up, her eyes were red-rimmed. "Of course," she said, her voice thick. "Since you asked so nicely."

Lexa waved Aden over, ruffling his hair when he sat on the floor in front of them, his shoulder digging into Lexa's shins. Cricket joined him, depositing her head in Aden's lap with a deep contented sigh that made them all laugh. 

"Once upon a time," Clarke said, "a long, long time ago—"

"By which she means last year," Lexa hissed in a stage whisper, making the kids grin and Clarke flash her a wink. 

"—I needed a job for the holiday season. I could have worked in just about any store out there, but I decided I wanted to play a bigger part in creating Christmas magic for people... so I became one of Santa's elves. It was my job to take pictures of kids when they met Santa, or to help keep them from getting too restless in line, or whatever Santa needed me to do." 

Madi rolled her eyes a little, like she knew Santa wasn't real and it was just a man in a suit, who wasn't even really Clarke's boss. But she didn't interrupt... because that would have required her to say something, and Lexa thought she might have exhausted her capacity for words for a little while. But that was all right. 

"It was a pretty good job, but it definitely had its down sides. Like the day when I was just arriving – I hadn't even had a chance to put on my uniform, and one of Santa's visitors got a little bit of an upset tummy and got sick all over me."

"Eww," Aden said, and Madi's scrunched up face echoed the sentiment. 

"I know," Clarke said. "Very ew. Luckily, I was able to change out of those clothes and into my uniform, and the rest of the day went pretty smoothly... until my shift was over and I realized I couldn't change _out_ of said uniform, because I didn't have anything to change into. It wouldn't have been so much of a problem if I'd been able to just get in my car and drive home... but that very same day my car had decided it wasn't going to start. So I had to wait for Raven to come pick me up, which wouldn't be for at least an hour. So what was an elf to do?"

"I don't know, what?" Aden asked, when Clarke didn't immediately continue. 

"I ended up just walking around a little, hoping no one would pay too much attention to the woman in the elf suit. Luckily, it was two days before Christmas, and most people were in their own little world, on a mission to get their Christmas shopping done and get home. Including one very pretty woman in high heels who looked ready to bite off the head of anyone who got in her way... including her shoes. Except she actually looked like she was going to throw her shoes in the garbage. Now, I don't know if you've ever worn high heels..." she winked at Aden, and he laughed, "but they aren't the most comfortable things ever. Imagine walking on your tippy toes _all day long_ ," she said, poking Madi, who giggled and squirmed. "So I could understand why she would want to get rid of them. But I thought maybe she might regret it later, so I suggested she put them in the box the sneakers she'd just bought came out of to take them home and throw them away tomorrow if she still hated them. Can you guess who that beautiful lady was?"

Madi pointed to Lexa, then drew a question mark in the air. 

"That's right!" Clarke said. "It was Lexa. Who looked like she was having a day _almost_ as bad as mine. But not quite, because no one had thrown up on her and she wasn't stuck wearing an elf costume." She grinned, and Lexa smiled back, remembering the conversation, and the instant spark between them, and...

"She also looked like a Woman On A Mission, so I asked if I could help. It turned out she was looking for a Christmas present for her new nephew, who her sister had just taken in to foster a few days before."

"Jakey?" Aden asked.

Clarke tapped her finger to her nose. "One of the perks of being an elf was that I sometimes overheard what kids were asking for – or what their parents were asking for for their kids, when they were too little to ask themselves. So I was able to help her find something pretty quickly. I stayed with her while she got it wrapped, because I was enjoying talking to her... and not gonna lie, looking at her..." She winked again, and Lexa felt her cheeks warm. "When that was done, she asked if I was hungry, and offered to take me to dinner to thank me for my help. I was definitely hungry, and I wanted to keep talking to her, so of course I said yes. Except I didn't really want to go in my elf costume, so she lent me her coat to cover it up.

"Dinner was great, and I didn't want it to end, but Raven texted me to say she was there to pick me up, so I had to go. It wasn't until I'd gotten in the car and Raven said something about my outfit that I realized I was still wearing Lexa's coat! I ran back into the restaurant to give it back to her... but she was already gone. Luckily, she had one of her business cards in her pocket with her phone number on it, so I called her and left her a message, and sent her a few texts, hoping she would get them before she left the mall."

"I didn't," Lexa said. "I realized she still had my coat as soon as I stepped outside, but for some reason I didn't check my phone until I got home. I saw her messages and called her back... and ended up inviting her to Luna's Christmas Eve party. I wanted my coat back, but mostly I wanted to see her again." 

"Obviously I said yes," Clarke said. "I wanted to see her again too. So she picked me up from work the next day – wearing normal clothes, not my elf costume! – and went to the party. I got to meet Luna and Derrick and Adria and Jakey and Anya and Tris and Malachi and a whole bunch of other people... but most importantly, I got to spend more time with Lexa. At the end of the party, right before we were going to leave, Tris pointed out that we'd ended up under the mistletoe. And you know what _that_ means!"

"Nargles!" Madi burst out, then clapped her hand over her mouth, her eyes going wide like she hadn't known she was going to say it until the word was already out. 

"Yes!" Clarke said, squeezing her and kissing her cheek. "Nargles!" 

"It means you have to _kiss_ ," Aden said. 

"That too," Clarke said. "Now, I _could_ have just kissed her on the cheek – I barely knew her, after all – but it didn't _feel_ like I'd only known her for less than a day. And I didn't _want_ to just kiss her on the cheek."

"So we kissed. A for real kiss. A kiss with a capital K," Lexa said. 

"And when she dropped me off at my apartment, I invited her in, and—"

"Painted mistletoe right on the wall so she could kiss me again!" Lexa finished for her. 

"And the rest is history," Clarke said, keeping the story G-rated, because their children didn't need to know that Lexa had spent the night... and the next night, and the next, and the next. "We started spending all of our free time together, and by Valentine's Day I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her."

"But then I came," Aden said.

Clarke shook her head. " _And_ then you came," she said. "Not 'but'. It didn't change anything... except that I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with both of you, if you stayed." She smiled at him. "Which I hoped you would, because once you were part of our family, it was hard to imagine going back to the two of us. One of the best days of my life was when the two of us officially became the three of us... and now the four of us." She gave Madi another squeeze, and Madi laid her head on Clarke's shoulder. 

"Five!" Aden said. "Don't forget Madi!"

Lexa looked at him, and he grinned. " _Technically_ Cricket was here first."

Madi lifted her head and stuck her tongue out at Aden, who made his fingers into a circle, holding them above his head like a halo. Madi reached out and broke the halo apart, trying to position his hands into horns instead. Aden laughed.

"Five," Clarke said, ending the scuffle by pulling Madi back before she could topple from her lap. "The five of us." She rested her cheek against Madi's head. "And we all live happily ever after."

* * *

"Do you believe that?" Lexa asked, the fingers of one hand tracing down Clarke's spine, the other tucking back a lock of her hair to see her face, or at least as much of her face as was visible with Clarke's head resting on her chest. 

"Believe what?" Clarke asked.

"That we'll all live happily ever after?" 

Clarke lifted her head to look at her. "Do you not?"

"I do," Lexa said, then amended. "I want to. It's just... hard. It's always been hard." She sighed. "Maybe it will always be hard." 

Clarke frowned. "I don't want it to be," she said softly. "I want it to be as easy as... as breathing. As easy as loving you has been, since that very first day." 

Lexa shook her head. Maybe she shouldn't argue; it wasn't her place to tell Clarke her own feelings. But... "Has it really been easy?" she asked. "Loving me?"

"Yes," Clarke said. Her lips pursed, like she was considering her next words carefully. "Is that hard for you to believe?"

"Yes," Lexa said, as quickly and definitely as Clarke had. "I'm not an easy person to love."

"Who told you that?" Clarke asked. 

_Who didn't?_ , Lexa almost countered, but she knew if she did, Clarke would immediately list off half a dozen people who would say otherwise, with Luna and Anya at the top of the list... or maybe Aden and Madi. Would her sisters say she was easy to love, after all they'd been through together? Easy to love, maybe, but not always easy to like. But was that just what it was like to have siblings? 

And Aden and Madi... they were her children. Her son and her daughter. _Their_ son and daughter. But not because they wanted to be... they just didn't have a choice. They'd lost their real parents, and—

"Lexa?"

Lexa blinked, realizing tears had begun to leak from the corners of her eyes. She brushed them away hastily. "Sorry. I—"

"No need to be sorry," Clarke said. "What were you thinking about?"

"Family," Lexa said. "Children. Love."

"I hope they were happy tears, then," Clarke said, with an uncertain smile. 

Lexa shook her head, then shrugged. "I don't know," she said after a moment. "Don't you ever feel like you're in completely over your head? Like maybe we've bitten off more than we can chew?"

Clarke's smile widened, and she huffed out a laugh. "All the time," she said. "Daily, at least. Usually several times a day." She shrugged. "Pretty sure it comes with the territory."

"It doesn't bother you?" Lexa asked. "You don't... regret it?"

"No," Clarke said. "Do you?"

"No!" Lexa said. "I wouldn't trade this for anything. I just..." She let out a shaky breath. "I miss my mom. So fucking much. I want to be able to ask her if I'm getting this all wrong, or if it's normal to feel like an impostor half the time. I want her advice on how to handle Madi, how to help her, if there's more we can do or if we're pushing too hard or... I want to know how she managed to juggle the needs of three of us – four of us with Malachi – and sometimes more, without any of us feeling like we weren't being seen or heard or understood. Because I worry that with Madi, Aden feels forgotten, neglected because we have to spend so much time and energy on her. He seems okay, but what if he's just burying it because he doesn't want to be a bother? I could ask Luna – she's been doing this longer than I have – but I don't want to add stress to her life. She's got enough going on as it is. And your mother—"

"Wouldn't have any idea," Clarke finished for her. "I'm an only child, so she was never dealing with more than one kid. Just one kid and her career, and I can't say she always got that right. And as important as it is for people to understand that families come in all shapes and sizes, and that adoption is just as valid a way to bring children into a family as giving birth... it's not the same thing. We're not starting with a blank slate with them. They have pasts. They have baggage. They have trauma."

"And sometimes it feels like she doesn't want to deal with that," Lexa said softly. She knew one had to tread lightly when saying anything even remotely negative about someone's family, but she couldn't avoid it completely. "I think she still thinks we – you – made a mistake." 

"I know," Clarke said. "But we didn't. No matter how hard it is – and it's fucking _hard_ , Lexa, and we deserve a hell of a lot more credit than we'll probably ever give ourselves – it's worth it. It's still what I want. _You_ are still what I want."

"And you're what I want," Lexa said, the tightness in her chest loosening a little. "You and the kids. _Our_ kids."

"And Cricket," Clarke said. "Don't forget Cricket."

Lexa laughed, the tension ebbing, receding back to where she could mostly ignore it. She wrapped her arms around Clarke and pulled her up into a kiss, which led to another kiss, and they would be tired in the morning, but it would be worth it. It always was.

* * *

At dinner the next night, Clarke was strangely quiet. Usually she could be counted on to keep the conversation going, but after disappearing into her studio for most of the day, with even Madi barred from entering, she was still in her own world.

Lexa nudged her foot under the table... and then nudged it again when Clarke didn't notice. (Or thought it was an accident; with two active children at the table it wasn't uncommon for limbs to bump as they squirmed in their seats.) Clarke finally looked at her and forced a smile. "Everything all right?" Lexa asked, keeping her voice down to not draw Aden and Madi's attention. They were having some sort of spirited argument over... Lexa wasn't honestly sure what, since Madi's half of it was being conducted almost entirely in pantomime, occasionally punctuated by scribbled drawings on her white board, which sat beside her plate like another guest at the table. 

Clarke smiled, but shook her head slightly. "Just thinking about my dad," she said. "He loved Christmas. All holidays, really, but especially Christmas."

"I didn't know holiday enthusiasm was a genetic trait," Lexa said, which earned her a slightly less shaky smile, but it quickly faded.

"I guess I feel like I should be more excited than I am," Clarke admitted. "We have kids now. We have an excuse to go way over the top if we want to. I know Dad would." She sighed. "Maybe that's the problem. He would, but he's not here to do it." 

Lexa put her hand over Clarke's and squeezed, not sure what to say. Should she tell Clarke they didn't have to make a big fuss if they didn't want to? Or should she encourage her to go overboard in her father's honor? Was there a middle ground, or was Christmas an all-or-nothing venture? "I'm sure he would be happy with whatever you want to do," she said finally. 

"I know," Clarke said. "Anyway, it's not about me. It's about – it should be about – them." She looked over at Aden and Madi, and then reached out to snatch Madi's flailing arm before she could knock over her milk. "Easy," she said. "Use your indoor voice – even when you're talking with your hands."

Madi laughed, an actual out-loud laugh, and that got them all smiling. 

Lexa glanced at Clarke, then back at the kids. "Do you two have any ideas about what you'd like to do for Christmas?" she asked. "Any traditions you had with your families that would help it feel more like Christmas for you?"

Madi picked up her white board and erased it, then began to draw again. 

"My mom and I always made cookies," Aden said. "Like, tons of them. And we would take them to the firehouses and ambulance places and stuff. My mom was a nurse, so she knew a lot of the firefighters and EMTs. She would take them in to work for the other nurses and stuff, too, and they always ate every last one, and then complained about how they needed to lose weight. That's what Mom said, anyway. And obviously we kept a bunch for ourselves." He grinned.

"We can definitely do cookies," Lexa said. 

"We can start looking up recipes after dinner," Clarke added. "See if there are any kinds you especially want to make."

"The peanut butter ones with the Hershey's Kisses," Aden said. "Those are definitely my favorite."

"Mine too," Lexa said. "We'll have to make a double batch."

"Triple," Aden said. "Oh, and we always had cinnamon rolls for breakfast on Christmas. Just the kind out of the can... but it was tradition."

"We can do that," Clarke said. "Out of the can or otherwise."

Madi knocked her white board against the table, drawing their attention. On it was a bunch of pine trees, one of them fallen over while a person wielding an axe stood over it. She scowled and drew a big X over the whole thing, shaking her head vehemently.

"You don't want to cut down a tree?" Lexa asked.

Madi shook her head again, drawing another X over the picture. 

"Why not?" Clarke asked. 

"Is it because it means going into the woods?" Aden asked. 

Madi nodded so hard her chin hit her chest and her head almost smacked into the back of her chair. 

"What if we went to a tree farm?" Lexa asked. "It's more like the apple orchard or pumpkin patch, but Christmas trees. They're all in neat lines, and they're not big and tall like trees in the forest, because they need to fit in people's houses. Do you think that would be okay?"

Madi looked dubious, chewing on her lower lip, but slowly she nodded, shrugging at the same time. A definite maybe. 

"We never had a real tree," Aden said. "Mom was allergic. I don't think I am, though. I guess I don't know." 

"My mom wanted to get an artificial tree," Clarke said. "She said it would be easier, but my Dad wouldn't even consider it. He said it wouldn't be Christmas without the smell of fresh pine in the house. My mom said she would get some pine air freshener, but he wouldn't budge." She smiled. "He had to agree to vacuum the dropped needles every day, and the tree had to be out of the house on New Year's Day. No exceptions."

"That seems fair," Lexa said. "We had an artificial tree, because it was safer, I guess. Maybe because of allergies, maybe because of the fire hazard..." She shrugged. "We also never put presents under the tree until Christmas Eve, because there was too much of a chance that someone would give in to temptation and decide to start unwrapping things early." 

"Cricket," Madi said. 

Lexa laughed. "Cricket would unwrap the presents early?" Madi nodded. "I guess she might, especially if she thought there was treats inside."

"Did you do stockings?" Aden asked. 

"Yes," Lexa said. "We definitely did stockings. My mom had a friend who used to make stockings – she loved to knit – for all of Mom's foster kids. When they left, they got to take theirs with them. She probably made dozens over the years, and every single one was unique." 

"That's awesome," Clarke said. "Do you still have yours?"

"Of course," Lexa said. "It's at Luna's, though, since I was always there for Christmas – or Christmas Eve – anyway. I'll get it next time we're there." 

_And ask Luna for Mom's friend's number._ Because after Mom died, her friend had continued to make stockings for Luna's foster kids. Adria had one, and she'd even managed to get one made for Jake with only a few days' notice last year. Tris had one from when she'd been with Luna years ago. Lexa hadn't even thought about getting one for Aden and Madi until now... but now that she'd mentioned it, she knew she had to. And, if her mother's friend was willing, one for Clarke, too.

* * *

The month of December passed in a blur of shopping and baking and decorating. They braced themselves for the worst when they went to get their Christmas tree, but the tree farm bore so little resemblance to a forest, and there were so many other people there, that Madi didn't even flinch as they made their way up and down the rows. It turned out she was quite particular about what a Christmas tree should look like, and they were all grateful for the cocoa they were offered when they went inside to pay for the tree and wait for it to be bundled up and strapped to their car. 

"When do we decorate it?" Clarke asked when they got it home and propped up in its stand. 

"What do we decorate it _with_?" Lexa realized. "We don't actually have ornaments."

" _Au contraire_!" Clarke said. She went into the hall closet and came back with a big plastic tub. "My mom kept all of ours. She couldn't bear to get rid of them, but since she doesn't put up a tree anymore, she said I could have them." 

Lexa eyed the tub warily, certain it would be an emotional minefield for Clarke to unpack, but maybe there would be catharsis, too, getting to share childhood memories of things her father had treasured with her family. "Do you want to do it now, then?" Lexa asked. 

Clarke considered, then shook her head. "The tree needs a day for the branches to settle, and we need to get lights. Which brings us to the all-important question to which there is only one correct answer: white lights, or colored?"

"Colored!" Aden said immediately. Madi nodded her agreement. 

"Lexa?" Clarke asked.

"I'm happy either way, as long as they're not blinking."

Clarke grinned. "You have all answered correctly. We'll go get some tomorrow – we can do a lesson about money, right Madi?" Clarke had gotten adept at turning just about anything into a school lesson. "And then I was thinking we could decorate the tree on Christmas Eve Eve. Unless anyone has any objections?"

The kids shook their heads, and so it was decided that their new family tradition would be to decorate the tree two days before Christmas, in honor of the day Clarke and Lexa had met. They put on Christmas music and had cookies and cocoa, and much quicker than Lexa had imagined, the big pine in the corner (so tall it nearly reached the ceiling) began to look like a Christmas tree. Most of the ornaments were Clarke's, but Luna had found some of Lexa's from when she was growing up in her own stash and set them aside, so she was able to hang those up, and Clarke had helped Madi and Aden make some of their own. Lexa was sure they would acquire more over the years to help fill in the gaps.

Lexa couldn't help wondering what had happened to the ornaments Aden and his mother had had for their tree, but she assumed they'd been lost in the shuffle. Given how willing his mother's so-called friend had been to get rid of him, they'd probably ended up in the trash. He didn't seem bothered by it (or he was hiding it well) so maybe he hadn't been particularly attached to any of them. He did insist that they _had_ to put candy canes on the tree, grinning as he pulled out several boxes of cherry-flavored rainbow ones along with the standard peppermint. 

"Come on!" he said. "We can't have a family with two moms and _not_ have rainbow candy canes!" 

Madi giggled and stole one to eat, staining her mouth blue in the process. She had insisted on making a chain of paper loops, and every day she tore one off, counting down to Christmas. Clarke had also gotten them advent calendars: Legos for Aden and Harry Potter for Madi, and they eagerly awaited the moment their chores were done in the evening and they were allowed to open their tiny gift each day. 

And then it was Christmas Eve, and they were getting ready for Luna's party. Lexa watched as Aden and Madi transformed themselves from candy-fueled gremlins to respectable young people. (Aden even wore a tie – his idea, not theirs.) She knew it wouldn't last, but it made for a good photo opportunity. 

If anything, Clarke seemed more nervous this year than last. Lexa reached across the gap between their seats as they settled into the car and squeezed her hand. "Everything all right?" she asked. 

Clarke nodded, squeezing back. "Fine," she said. 

"Are you sure?" Lexa asked. "You seem... jumpy."

"I'm fine," Clarke repeated. "I promise." 

"This doesn't have anything to do with the Super Secret Project you've been working on for months, does it?" Lexa asked. Because Clarke had been spending more time than usual in her art studio, waking up early and coming to bed late, like she was scrambling to finish something, but any time Lexa asked, she just smiled enigmatically and promised she would see 'soon'. 

And there was that smile again. "It might," Clarke said.

Lexa scrunched her nose and almost stuck out her tongue. "You're the worst," she told her.

"I know," Clarke said. 

The drive was short, and they were the first to arrive, which they'd done specifically, wanting Madi (and Aden) to have the opportunity to settle in to the familiar surroundings and make themselves at home (because Luna and Derrick's really was like a second home to them by now) before the place filled up with strangers. 

"Merry Christmas!" Aden called as they stepped inside. "We brought cookies!"

"Excellent!" Derrick called back, popping his head out of the kitchen. "Let me show you where you can put them. And if you don't mind, I could use a hand with a few last-minute dinner things." Which probably was only partially true. Lexa was sure he had dinner well in hand and could manage whatever needed to be done before the guests arrived, but he also knew Aden liked helping him, so he'd probably saved a few tasks just to give him the opportunity to feel useful.

Aden headed straight for the kitchen, and Madi looked around, searching for her best friend.

"She's upstairs getting dressed," Luna said. "We lost track of time." She held out her arms, and Madi accepted the hug, then looked from Luna to Lexa to Clarke, and all three of them nodded at basically the same time. 

"Go ahead," Clarke said. "Make sure you knock first, and when we call for you, you need to come down, okay?"

Madi nodded and scrambled up the stairs. They heard a faint knock, and then Adria's excited chatter, and a few minutes later they came tumbling back down again, making more noise than it seemed possible two little girls should be able to. 

"Auntie Lexa!" Adria said, throwing her arms around her and squeezing tight. "Merry Christmas!" 

"Merry Christmas," Lexa said, kissing the top of her head, which was several inches closer to her chin this year than last. "You look awesome."

Adria did a little twirl in her dress, beaming, and then threw her arms around Clarke. "Auntie Clarke!" She grinned up at her. "I _knew_ you would be my Auntie," she said. "I _knew_ you would come back."

"You did, did you?" Clarke asked. 

"Uh-huh." Adria let her go and took Madi's hand. "I _didn't_ know you would bring me a BFF, though. Thanks for that!"

Clarke laughed. "You're welcome," she said, reaching out and taking Lexa's hand. "Hopefully you'll like the other things we brought you almost as much." 

Adria's eyes lit up. "Oooh, presents!" she said. 

"Later," Luna said. "People are going to be arriving very soon. Do you think you two can watch Jake for a few minutes while we finish getting ready?"

"Sure!" Adria said, and Madi nodded, and they went into the living room to keep Jake from getting into anything he wasn't supposed to. 

Luna wrapped Lexa in a hug, kissing her cheek. "Thank you so much for coming," she said. 

"Of course," Lexa said, slightly confused. "I always do."

"I know," Luna said. "And I'm always glad to see you." 

Lexa hugged her a little tighter, not sure where this was coming from, whether something had happened or if Luna was just acting early on some kind of New Year's resolution to be better about telling people how much they meant... not that she'd ever been bad at it. Not like Lexa, who had spent years keeping her emotions locked up, actively avoiding situations where she might be forced to face them head-on. But that had ended a year ago, when Clarke came into her life and opened Lexa's heart like a Christmas gift, and Lexa had realized how much better it was to let herself feel things, to actually _live_ instead of just surviving.

And maybe Luna was remembering that too. 

"Love you," Lexa told her. 

"Love you too," Luna murmured back, and finally let her go, catching Clarke next, and Lexa could hear she was saying something, but couldn't quite make out the words. And then the door opened, and Anya and Tris and Raven came in in a rush of chill air and a flurry of hugs. 

Before they knew it, and before Lexa was fully prepared, the party was in full swing. In the past, she'd been able to mostly stick quietly to the corner, making polite small talk for a few minutes with anyone who dared approach before making a convenient excuse to escape the conversation. This year, that proved to be impossible. There was too much that had happened that people needed to be caught up on – a child, a wedding, a dog, another child – that even those who knew about some of it weren't fully up-to-speed. But with Clarke by her side, Lexa didn't mind it nearly as much as she thought she would. She loved her family and talking about them was so much easier than talking about work, which was all she used to have. And she didn't think she would ever get tired of calling Clarke her wife, and Aden and Madi her son and daughter. The words were as sweet to her as a dozen Christmas cookies.

Malachi and his wife and their daughter finally made an appearance, and Lexa caught Anya's eye, both of them ready to jump in and defend their sister if things got fraught, but Derrick called them all to dinner only a few minutes after their arrival, and they knew he wouldn't dare start anything at the dinner table. 

The food was good, as always, and Derrick made sure everyone knew how much help Aden had been to him. Aden's cheeks flushed as he grinned into his pasta, and Lexa flashed Derrick a grateful smile. He winked back, and Lexa was reminded again why she and Anya had accepted him as their brother-in-law without a fight. He was a good man, and a good father, and now an amazing uncle. What more could they ask for?

After dinner, people began to leave, first in a trickle and then in a flood, and for a little while it was a near-constant barrage of hugs and goodbyes, and Lexa saw Clarke drawing Madi out of the line of fire as their daughter started to squirm from all the attention from near-strangers. Aden bore it a little better, but he stuck closer to Lexa's side than he might otherwise. Finally, it was just the core of the family left, with even Malachi, Danay and Chloe having left after exchanging gifts with Luna and family and accepting the toys Anya and Lexa had gotten for Chloe. There had been nothing for Tris, Aden, or Madi, and Lexa was sure the slight was intentional, but she tried to shrug it off. She knew money was probably tight, and if choices had to be made, buying gifts for the two children of your biological sister took precedence over buying something for the three kids of your two foster ones... but would it really have broken their budget to get a few $5 gift cards? They were _kids_ , for fuck's sake. They would be happy with even a token gift.

If the kids noticed, they didn't say anything, distracted by tearing into their gifts from Luna and Derrick and Anya. 

"Thank you!" Aden said, opening a box with his own personalized apron. "This is awesome!" 

"Derrick picked that out," Luna said. "We probably should have given it to you _before_ the party."

Aden looked down. "It's okay," he said. "I didn't get anything on me."

Madi had gotten a new sketchbook, some fancy colored pencils and a set of dry erase markers in all different colors so she could communicate in more than black and white. She hugged them to her chest when she opened them. 

"What do you say?" Lexa prompted. Madi flashed a thumbs up. 

"Madi..." Clarke said. 

Madi took a breath so deep her shoulders rose, and after a second's hesitation, said, "Thank you. Auntie Luna. And Uncle Derrick." 

"You are very welcome," Luna said, her voice a little choked as she pulled Madi into a hug. Lexa realized then that it was the first time Madi had ever said her sister's name. 

When everything was unwrapped, and the paper thrown away before Jake could tear it into even smaller shreds and strew it over the whole house like confetti, Clarke produced two envelopes, handing one to Luna and one to Anya. "I know it doesn't look like much, but... well, you'll see."

Anya opened hers first, pulling out a card. Inside was a photo, and she cocked her head, looking to Clarke for an explanation. Clarke waited for Luna to open hers, finding the same, but the picture was different. "They're paintings," she said. "Of your families. They're..." She swallowed. "The originals will be yours to keep... after the show."

"Show?" Lexa asked, holding out her hand to Luna, who put the card in it. The photograph was of a painting, a scene Lexa remembered from the apple orchard, with Adria's arms around Luna and Jake on Derrick's hip. Anya handed over hers without prompting, and it was Tris' head in Anya's lap from Memorial Day, a rare tender moment between the two (at least it was rare that they let anyone else see it). 

"It's what I've been working on," Clarke said. "A friend of a friend has a new gallery space, and they wanted to feature some local artists. I pitched them my idea – a year in the life of a not-so-typical family – and they liked it, so... that's what I've been working on. It opens on New Year's Eve, and you're all invited." 

"So _that's_ why you were asking for pictures!" Anya said. "We knew you were up to _something_."

"I told you I was working on a project," Clarke said. "That much wasn't a secret."

"They're beautiful," Luna said, after taking the pictures from Lexa and examining them for what felt like a very long time. She passed them to the kids, who were straining to get a look. 

"The pictures don't really do them justice," Clarke said. "And there's a lot more to the show. Those are just the ones that will be yours once it's over."

Madi tugged on Clarke's sleeve, frowning. When Clarke looked down at her, she pointed to herself, then Clarke and Lexa and Aden, then at the pictures. _What about us?_ , she was asking. 

"There's one of us, too," Clarke reassured her. "Of course there's one of us. I was saving it as a surprise for tomorrow. Do you think you can wait until then?" Madi shook her head. Clarke laughed. "All right. You can see it when we get home, okay?"

Madi nodded, pressing herself into Clarke's arms, her head resting on Clarke's shoulder as her cookie-fueled energy began to ebb. 

"We should get home," Lexa said. "I'm sure it's way past Jake's bedtime, and it's only one more sleep 'til Christmas, so I'm sure everyone else is eager to get to bed, too." 

There was another round of hugs, this one lasting a little longer, with everyone held a little bit tighter, and Lexa knew she couldn't have made it through the past year without her sisters, without her family. "Thank you," she said to Luna and Anya. "Thank you for telling me not to let her go."

"When something's right, it's right," Luna said. 

"And we're always right," Anya added, and dodged Lexa's punch to her arm.

* * *

The ride home was quiet, and they sent the kids upstairs to change into pajamas while they got out the gifts they would be allowed to open tonight, which now included Clarke's painting. It was big – bigger than Lexa expected – and she found herself as eager as the kids to see the image inside. 

"Clarke's gift first, or mine?" Lexa asked. 

"Clarke!" Madi said, her fingers curling like she was itching to tear into the paper that covered the canvas. 

"Clarke," Aden agreed, so Clarke stood back and let them at it, and when the paper was in shreds on the floor, they all stood back to look at it. 

It was a picture Lexa had never seen, taken she didn't know when, but it had to have been recent because Madi hadn't been with them that long. It might have been from any one of their many Sunday dinners, except Cricket was in the picture, so maybe it was from Thanskgiving? The background had been mostly blurred out, so the focus was on the family, and it had to have been based on a picture taken by one of her sisters. Clarke and Lexa sat side-by-side, not looking at each other, but their love shone through anyway, for each other and for their kids. Madi was on Clarke's other side, drawing on her white board with the tip of her tongue stuck out in concentration, and Aden was sitting on the floor at Lexa's feet, holding a treat for Cricket, whose ears were perked up, eagerly awaiting his next command. 

It could have been any day, at any given (good) moment, and that, Lexa thought, was the beauty of it. It wasn't capturing a special occasion. They weren't posed for the portrait; there was nothing formal about it. It was just them being themselves... and a family. 

"It's perfect," she said softly, wrapping her arm around Clarke. "You're perfect," she added, when Clarke tipped her face up to look at her and kissed her softly. 

"I'm not," Clarke said. "None of us are. But thank you."

"Perfectly imperfect," Lexa said. "Perfect for me." 

Clarke smiled, and kissed her again. "That, I'll take."

The spell the painting had woven over the children finally broke, and they threw their arms around Clarke, hugging her and telling her their favorite details. (Well, mostly Aden told her and Madi pointed excitedly, but they were used to that by now.) 

"Are you ready for mine?" Lexa asked, when they finally calmed down again. 

They nodded, eagerly accepting the packages Lexa handed them. Clarke looked confused when Lexa gave her one as well, but she opened it along with Aden and Madi, and almost as one they lifted three similar – but not identical – knit stockings from their boxes. Aden's had a wide stripe with a soccer ball pattern, Madi's managed to look like it had been splattered with paint, and Clarke's was red and white striped, like the stockings she'd had to wear as part of her elf costume. She started to laugh when she saw it, and couldn't seem to stop, even when tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. 

"It's perfect," she gasped. "Lexa, it's perfect. But you didn't have to—"

"I did," Lexa said. "You couldn't be the only one in the family that didn't have one. She was happy to make it." 

Clarke nodded, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

"Where's yours?" Aden asked. 

Lexa went and retrieved it from the closet where she'd stashed it after getting it from Luna and showed it to them. It was blue, with a snowflake pattern knit in silvery yarn. She'd always thought it was because she'd tried to freeze her mother out for so long after she'd arrived in her care, but maybe her mother's friend had just thought it was pretty. "Should we hang them up so Santa can fill them?" she asked, winking at them. 

Madi rolled her eyes and grinned. She put her stocking on one of the hooks on the mantel, and Aden added his next, then Clarke, then Lexa. 

"Cricket!" Madi said. The dog – who was wearing a Christmas sweater she refused to take off – jumped up and ran to her, thrusting her big head into Madi's hands to have her ears scratched.

"How could I forget?" Lexa asked, and pulled out a last package, which she handed to both of the kids to open on Cricket's behalf. She'd been joking when her mother's friend asked if there was anyone else in the family who needed a stocking and she'd said, "The dog?" but when she'd gone to pick them up, there was one for Cricket, too, with a dog bone pattern that made it clear who it belonged to. 

The kids cracked up when they saw it, and Cricket barked like she knew it was for her, dancing around Aden and Madi as they put it on the last hook. 

"Now bed," Lexa said. 

"Make sure to brush your teeth really well," Clarke added. "We'll be up in a few minutes to tuck you in." 

As soon as the kids – and dog – disappeared upstairs, they were in each other's arms, kissing like they were still young – which they were, relatively speaking – and this was still brand new... which Lexa supposed it was, too, relatively speaking. 

"There's one last gift for tonight," Clarke said breathlessly, finally pulling away before they let themselves get too distracted and the kids started wondering where they were, or worse, came looking. "But it'll have to wait until the kids are asleep."

Which didn't leave much to the imagination about what it might be, but Lexa wasn't complaining. They went to Madi's room first, reading her a short Christmas story even though she was mostly too old for that kind of thing before giving her extra hugs and kisses and tucking her in. Aden could put himself to bed, but they went to check on him and say goodnight anyway, and he seemed a little reluctant to let them go, so they stayed a little longer, talking about past Christmases, both his and their own, until his eyelids got heavy. 

"Good night," Lexa said, giving him one last hug and smoothing back his hair. "I love you."

"Merry Christmas," he said softly.

"Merry Christmas," they echoed, and retreated to their room. 

As soon as the door was closed – and locked, Lexa noted – behind them, Clarke slipped into the bathroom. "Be right back," she said. Lexa didn't think anything of it, just started getting ready for bed, because it had been a long day and she suspected they would have an early start tomorrow. She turned down the blankets and went to her dresser to pull out her comfiest pajamas. The top was an old t-shirt worn so thin it was translucent; she would have to make sure to put on a robe before the kids saw her, or change into her more family-friendly flannel. She started to slip into a pair of Christmas ornament print pajama bottoms. 

"Don't bother," Clarke said. 

Lexa turned to look at her, and two things happened simultaneously:  
One – she realized why Clarke had been laughing so hard at her striped stocking, and  
Two – Lexa almost swallowed her tongue.

Because there Clarke stood, in red and white striped thigh-high stockings and a green silk nightie that just skimmed the tops of her thighs, leaving a few tantalizing inches between of bare skin. On her head she wore an elf cap not unlike the one that had been part of her uniform the year before, and on her feet were high heels. _Lexa's_ high heels. The ones Clarke had saved from an early grave in a mall garbage can. 

She sidled over and took the pajama pants from Lexa's unresisting grip, tossing them back in the drawer and pushing Lexa back against the edge of the bed. Lexa sat, and Clarke straddled her, one knee on either side of her hips. "Look up," she said, candy-red lips brushing against Lexa's cheek, her breath tickling her ear and sending a shiver straight to her core.

Lexa looked. And of course there was mistletoe dangling above the bed, and how had she not noticed it before? 

"Nargles," she breathed, her eyes going back to Clarke's. 

Clarke just smiled. "Don't worry," she said. "I made sure there weren't any." Her lips brushed Lexa's as her hands slid down, rucking up her t-shirt until it was bunched around Lexa's chest and she lifted her arms so Clarke could send it right back to the drawer it had come from. "So you can just lay back, relax, and think of Christmas..."

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas to those who celebrate, and happy Wednesday to those who don't!


End file.
